Glimpses of the Future and What I Do Well

   Recently we have been having more and more "good days."  A good day to me entails no tears or meltdowns from me.  That is mostly the criteria.   Kids cry and meltdown at the drop of a hat, but if I can maintain composure and even smile a little too, than you had better believe it IS A GOOD DAY!  I haven't kept a record or tally or anything... more like I have noticed a gradual trend in a more pleasant direction.  I am starting to feel hopeful and excited about the future again!  Are we getting the hang of three???  Maybe!  The girls are adjusting to our new family dynamic and Joel is slooooowly, but surely coming out of his colic.  He has extended periods of wakefulness now without screaming!  So awesome!  It's AMAZING how colic vs less colic can change your whole perspective on life! 
 

  I would also attribute some of my hopefulness to a new attitude I am trying to cultivate.  I am trying to focus on the things that I am doing well and what is going RIGHT in our lives.  I'm so physically spent at the end of each day that I really can't afford the self-inflicted mental beat downs anymore.  I truly can not afford to allot much energy to negative thinking.  It may be easy to compare myself to other mothers, wives, or women, but it just doesn't help anything.  Instead I am am going to start listing and focusing on the things I do well and the things I am grateful for.  I will NOT focus on the things that aren't going well or that I don't do.  Here we go!

THINGS I DO WELL AS A MOTHER:

-I read to Lilia and Ivy every single night.  We never miss.  I make a concerted effort to spend time with each of them individually every night and we choose a couple of stories and I read and then sing to them before turning off the light.  I don't resent this routine, but cherish it.  It's a welcome final note to end the day's song.  It's peaceful and sweet.  We giggle and snuggle and I will miss this time when the kids are older.  I am proud of myself for taking the time to do this every night even when I am exhausted.

-I pray with my girls and I look for opportunities to teach them about prayer and about the gospel.  We read scripture stories together and I teach them, (more Lilia at this point,) about who we are, why we are here, and where we are going.  Lilia is developing her own little testimony and has even shared it during Sacrament meeting.  I am so proud of her and I am proud of myself for keeping up with it even when at times it seems like I am getting no where.  Lilia specifically has a testimony of prayer and that make me feel really really good.

- This is may sound silly, but I feel like one of my greatest accomplishments besides teaching my children about the gospel is teaching them to appreciate and try different foods.  Cooking a healthy meal (or multiple meals,) a day is HARD WORK, but I do it.  I want my children to be knowledgeable about food and their bodies and I want them to have a good relationship with food.  I want them to have a good attitude about trying new things when it comes to food and other aspects of life as well.  I try to introduce them to a variety of different foods.  I am NOT a short order cook and the whole family eats the same meal.

- It is extremely hard to get out of the house with three kids right now, but I make myself do it anyway.  I do it for them and I do it for me.  We go to play dates or our own playground in the neighborhood.  We go to the library.  We went to the apple orchard the other day.  I don't want my kids to lounge around in front of the T.V. ALL the time, though we do watch a fair amount of T.V.  I am proud of myself for getting them outside as much as I can.  Even if it's not as much as I would like.

-  I make art with my kids.  Again, not as often as I would like, but I DO do it.  We paint, we draw, we make play dough.  It's a mess and sometimes the prep takes three times as long as the activity, but we do it.  It's worth it to me when I see how much they enjoy it.  I could just throw in the towel and turn the T.V. back on, and some days I do, but some days I don't - I make the effort.

-  I carry Joel most of the day.  Sure, it might be easier to just set him down and let him cry all day, and heaven knows my back would probably feel better if I did that, but I don't.  I shlep him around in the Ergo almost all day long.  If that's not love, I don't know what is.

 - I try really hard not to lose my temper and yell.  This is probably the hardest thing for me right now and I'm not perfect, but I am O.K.  I don't lose my temper often and I have never spanked any of my children.  Oh I have wanted to, but I haven't and I hope I never do. 

-  This one may sound dumb too, but I make an effort to talk to my kids while we are driving around.  It is so easy to tune out kids while you are in the car and turn on the radio or the news, but I don't anymore.  I noticed a year and a half ago that Lilia really wanted to talk as soon as we go in the car.  Always.  She always wanted to talk.  I have really tried to listen while I am driving or if we don't talk we listen to music TOGETHER and we sing together.  Sometimes I am on the phone when we are driving, but lately I have been trying to ditch the phone as well.  How long is she going to WANT to talk to me in the car??

Ok - so that is the list for today.  I hope to add to it.  I don't do everything right.  There are so many things I wish I did better or wish I did at all, but I KNOW I am doing some things right.  I am not a perfect mom, but I am a GOOD mom.  That is where I am at right at this moment. 

"Meet Your Eats" Farm Tour

 My last post was a bit of a bummer, so we'll lighten things up a bit tonight with an update on our "real food" journey.  It's no secret that Charlottesville is a haven for foodies and the real food movement in general.  There are sprawling gorgeous farms everywhere you look.  It's not hard to "eat fresh, buy local."
  This past weekend the city farmer's market sponsored a "Meet Your Eats" tour of many of the farms in the area.  We bought a pass and decided to go for it!  We picked out a couple of farms that were within 15 minutes of our house and set out for a Saturday adventure!  The first farm we chose to visit was Free Union Grass farm.  Literally 17 minutes from doorstep to drive.  We got out and were greeted by a friendly farmer and some noisy pigs!  I knew right then that the girls were going to love this!
  So if you aren't familiar with the term "grass farmer or grass farming," it is generally attributed to Joel Salatin of Polyface farm in Swoope,VA.  His farm has been getting lots of attention from Michael Pollan's books, (specifically "The Omnivore's Dilemma.")  His approach to farming is that of a scientist invested in an entire ecosystem.  He recognizes that animals and the earth really have a symbiotic relationship.  If the earth is suffering the animals with suffer and vice/versa.  He considers himself a "grass farmer" because grass is literally at the root of the ecosystem.  You take care of your grass and everything else will fall into place (more or less.)  He does this by creating a poly culture of multiple animals and grasses and he rotates the animals on his pasture so no one area is over-run or destroyed.  Every animal has a specific role to plan in the system.  It's really fascinating.  Long story short - the farmers in Free Union follow the same system.  They rotate cows, chickens, ducks, goats, and pigs.  The pigs especially do a lot of the clean up for them. 

   Chicks!

   Ivy was sucking on this wooden board.  If she doesn't die of avian flu or ebola or something in the next week it will be another testament to the cleanliness of this farm's practices... or something...  I think she licked the bottom of her shoe later on in the car as well. 

 Ducks!

 Chickens!

 Laying hens!

 Cows!!  They are super huge because they are calfing right now.  The one's we took pictures of are due in a week or so.

 It was tough shlepping all of the kids around the farm and pretty hot outside too, but I'm so glad we brought the kids and made it out.  It's amazing to see what can be accomplished with some land, animals, sun, rain, and a lot of hard work.  It's also incredibly refreshing to me to see that there are still people out there that don't believe "roundup" and antibiotics are the answer to everything.

We didn't make it to all of the other farms we wanted to see as toddlers started to melt down, but we did end the day at our favorite local peach orchard and that is a success in my book.  We came home and made black bean burgers and like the good little locavores that we are, we used local heirloom tomatoes on them as well as local micro greens and local cheese!  I love C-ville!  How will we ever make ourselves leave???

Life is Hard and Life is Beautiful

  I am the kind of person that needs goals in my life or things to look forward to.  When I was in college I looked forward to breaks and tests being over with.  I looked forward to graduation.  When Cliff and I first got married I looked forward to vacations and to each move and marked time by our travels.  When we lived in Japan I looked forward to the end of each deployment and to the fantastic trips we took.  Looking forward to those trips were what got me through some really tough months alone with a baby.
  I no longer mark time by deployment schedules because Cliff is home every night on this tour.  That doesn't me I don't still need goals or things to look forward to, though.  I still look forward to trips we will take, visits from family members, and days that Cliff has off from work.  Every Monday I look forward to Friday.  I feel like I am always looking forward and forgetting to look around at "now."
   In our church we talk a lot about "finding joy in the journey."  This is so hard for me right now.  I feel like a lot of days are never-ending and monotonous in their difficulty.  At the beginning of each new day I mostly think... man I wish I could go back to bed.  But I don't.  I get up and I get things started.  My day starts with a shower if I am lucky.  If Cliff isn't going in too early he takes Joel and I shower quickly before he has to leave.  After he leaves I strap Joel onto me in the carrier and get the girls dressed and downstairs for breakfast.  There is always a bit of impatience as I struggle to get everyone fed quickly and then it's a complete free-for-all as I shlep all the kids out the door and across the street to Lilia's preschool.  Tearing Ivy away and getting her back across the street is always a battle.  Like face slapping, biting, hitting, laying in the middle of the side walk, BATTLE.  I resorted to candy corn bribery last Friday and definitely got some incredulous "looks" from one of the other moms.  Whatev.  We're in survival mode right now.   We get back in the house and I start an activity with Ivy like... coloring... or play dough... I am wearing Joel the whole time and trying to bend down and pick up the crayons she has dropped or the play dough molds or her pony dolls that she carries with her everywhere.  I last about 10 minutes and then Ivy is screaming about something (I won't let her color on the wall or the table, etc) and I give up and turn on a movie.  Just this past week we have watched "Despicable Me" with the "onions" about 18 times - no joke. 
  Joel screams if I put him down for more than 15 minutes at a time so I wear him most of the day.  Cliff wears him as soon as he walks through the door.  We figured that between the two of us wearing him and him sleeping in our arms at night, Joel is held at least 20-22 hours out of every day.   I find this somewhat ironic because I really don't consider myself an "attachment" parent, but what is more ATTACHED than being literally attached to your child all day and all night.  I need to see a chiropractor like I need oxygen, but it will have to wait a few months.  Looking forward to getting over colic.  I guess we have a more holistic view on parenting in our house.  What's best for EVERYONE is what we aim for.  If the baby is suffering the parents and siblings are suffering and that goes both ways.  If mommy and daddy are suffering, you better believe that kids are suffering too, so we try to strike a compromise...  It's our own form of balance.  We do what works until it doesn't and then we move on and try something new.  Sometimes kids are left crying and screaming while mommy walks away for 15 minutes or takes a shower.  Sometimes mommy is in tears because she can't move her neck from sleeping so awkwardly holding a baby all night.  It's give and take.  But mostly give.  Who am I kidding.
  I figure crying screaming children are much better off than dead children or even dead parents.  We are all alive and that is a success.  If whatever you are doing is causing you to resent your child, you need to do something else.  Seriously.  
  I look forward to nap time/ quiet time when the girls go to their rooms and sleep/ stay quiet for two hours every day.  This is a major milestone of the day.  If I get to nap time I am more than halfway through the day!  Cliff gets home just a couple of hours after nap time!  I get the kids up from naps around 3:00 or 3:30.  I usually try to take a nap myself, but Joel doesn't usually cooperate.  Like I said, he has to be held ALL.THE. TIME.   We'll get there.  I know he will be better by 5 or 6 months.  That is what I am looking forward to right now.
  I sometimes miss just having the girls.  Before I was pregnant we went and DID so many things together.  I felt so confident in my mothering abilities when it came to two kids.  We laughed!  We learned!  We played!  We had routines and they worked!  I have hope that three will someday be this way too, but right now it is not.  Someone is always being neglected.  We don't leave the house as often as I would like.  There are a lot more tears than there used to be from everyone.  I had a lot of mommy guilt over this from my pregnancy and now tough baby, but now it just is what it is.  Standards have been lowered.  And lowered again.  

When Cliff gets home I hand him the kids and I get busy with dinner.  I LOVE making dinner or ANY MEAL that does not involve wearing a baby.  After dinner I take the girls upstairs and I bathe them and dress them in their pajamas and then I put them to bed with a story and a song.  After they are in bed and I have nursed Joel one last time for the day, Cliff takes him while I head downstairs to clean up and do all of the dishes.  I relish this part of the day because it is just ME.  I never thought I would look forward to doing dishes, but that is where I am right now.  It's actually really interesting how our (Cliff and my,) roles have reversed since Joel was born.  When I was pregnant and miserably sick I used to go to bed right after dinner.  Cliff bathed both girls, put them to bed, and cleaned up downstairs.  He usually made the dinner too.  Now it is the complete opposite.  Cliff goes to bed right after dinner and holds Joel for most of the night.  He is confined to the bed with a baby - just outside of him rather than in his belly.

  So finding joy is the journey... whew.  It's not something that just happens.  These past few weeks I have actually found many moments of joy, BUT! I have to be actively seeking them and I think the key word here is active.  When Lilia plays with Joel and sings to him and he SMILES!  That is joyful.  When I make it across the street from preschool with all three kids in tow and Ivy isn't melting down - that is joyful.  When the girls are dancing around the front room or flailing their arms pretending to fly and laughing like hyenas?  That is joy.  Joy in our house is the small victories right now.  Joel sitting in his bouncy chair while I eat lunch unencumbered for 15 minutes is a small victory.  Watching the girls play "mermaid" in the bath tub and splash and play is hilarious and fun.  Reading to Lilia at night about little witches and fairies and Peter Pan and watching her eyes grow large at the description of Neverland and Captain Hook?  These moments are wonderful and make most of the agony worth it.  Ivy turning to me and saying "Mommy?  Song?  Temple song please?"  Hearing her say every morning now "Hi mommy! Hi mommy!  HI MOMMY!!!"  These moments are beautiful and precious.  Sometimes I think parenting is an inordinate amount of really hard work for fleeting moments of awe and wonder. 

 I don't have an overarching theme to this post.  It's nearly stream of conscience, but I do want to write and remember that most days DO have wonderful moments that make it worth it.  The days are getting BETTER overall and not worse.  I DO have hope and perspective after two colicky children.  I still very much look forward to vacations and holidays and visits from my mom, but I DO have good moments every day too. 

 All three looking at the camera! 

 Look!  They are so cute!  Some of the time :)

I have gotten to spend more time getting to know Ivy recently.  Joel makes it difficult for us to have real quality time together, but we sure do try.  She is probably having the hardest time with all of these family adjustments.  

Sometimes the girls play really well together and when this happens my heart SINGS and I run for the camera.  Usually I am too late for photographic evidence, but I always try :) 

Ivy is Two!

   Another year has passed and our Ivy girl has completed her second year in this world.  I haven't been great at documenting this past year and I honestly can't remember the last time she had an update...  Poor girl is a middle child through and through!  Not really, though.  I may not document her life the way I would like to, but I could NEVER forget this kid even for a minute.  She wouldn't let me!  Ivy is our crazy DRAMATIC rambunctious MANIACAL goofy girl.  She has developed so much personality this past year and it floods our home with laughter and tears on a very regular basis. 

  I know you should never compare your children, but I just can't help but wonder at the amazing differences between my daughters.  Lilia is thoughtful and gentle and social.  Ivy is wild and energetic and sooooo so curious.  She wants to study the bugs on the sidewalk and poke them.  She collects rocks and I find them all over the house.

  She wants to run headlong into the street or the woods or your arms.  If she wants to do something she does it all the way.  If she doesn't want to do something - good luck trying to change her mind! 

She LOVES her older sister... most of the time.  She copies her every move.  It is adorable to watch them play together.  Ivy is pretty good to take on the roles that Lilia gives her, (sick patient, baby, student, puppy, etc) but she can also hold her own with big sis.  Ivy likes to tackle Lilia and climb all over her.  She is feisty and quick and I sometimes feel a little bad for Lilia, when the Ivy tornado is on the loose!

 She had swim lessons this summer and she was great.  While she didn't absolutely love getting her face wet, it didn't bother her the way it did most of the kids in the class.  She would take off into the water until it swallowed her up and I had to scoop her out!  You would think tumbling under would frighten a toddler, but obviously not or not enough, because she would just do it all over again.  Not content to sit and float with the other kids, she wanted to be on the move.  That is pretty much Ivy.  She doesn't want to stop and smell the roses.  She wants to go and go and go. 

 She has a wonderful laugh.  It's both hilarious and a little maniacal.  It's totally infectious.  I think she should voice a villain in a movie.  Maniacal cackle like you've never heard before.  She is also talking up a storm, but we only understand about a third of what she says.  SHE knows what she is saying... we just haven't caught up.  We are trying, though, and I KNOW when we finally catch up it will be hilarious.   She loves to sing and has wonderful recall.  She is memorizing the words to songs that she has only heard a couple of times.  It's adorable to watch and listen to her sing.  Her favorite song at the moment is "I love to see the temple" followed closely by "Down by the bay." 

   Ivy is a pretty good little eater.  She is no where near Lilia as far as adventurous eating goes, but then Lilia is more adventurous than a lot of the adults I know, so it's not a fair comparison.  For a toddler, we think Ivy is eating well.  She LOVES green smoothies and it doesn't seem to matter what I put in them - kale, spinach, avocado, etc.  She will eat any fruit, but only a few veggies that aren't in smoothie form.  All berries are called "strawbees."  As for veggies, carrots and bell pepper are usually safe.  She rarely eats meat.  She LOVES hummus and re-fried beans.  She calls hummus "humpins."  She also love guacamole.  She will eat any kind of cheese - even Gorgonzola.  She loves the palak paneer (creamed spinach,) at our favorite Indian restaurant.  She loves cashews and peanuts too. 

   Ivy is a great sleeper.  She naps for two hours every day and she goes to bed so easily every night.  She never seems to wake up during the night which is also very different from Lilia.  Ivy stays in almost the exact same position all night long.  We find her just the way we left her - on her tummy with her stuffed dragon clutched tight.  She used to keep her legs bunched underneath her with her bottom sticking up in the air, but now she's just a straight stick.  Her bedtime routine includes a story or two, prayer, a song and quick "rock" before she says "bed?" "sleep?" and kisses me and leaps out of my arms into her crib.  I'm grateful that she sleeps well right now and hope it lasts.  It's good for her and it's good for me! 

   Ivy loves her grandparents and talks about them all the time.  She was so cute when everyone came up to visit for Joel's blessing.  She was like a little ping pong ball bouncing from lap to lap. 

  Ivy loves technology so we got her a toy phone for one of her birthday presents.  She likes it alright, but knows it's not the real thing.  No i-pad or smartphone is safe when she is near.  She knows how to unlock just about any device and will call the Himalayas before you know what hit you.  It's better to keep your devices hidden when she is around.  Kindly people at church let her look or play with their phones even after we try to warn them and before they can turn around she has deleted their calendars and scrambled their address books.  

  We also got Ivy a plush "toothless" doll from the movie "How to Train Your Dragon."  Ivy LOVES this movie, which is kind of funny to us as Lilia did at this age too.  I would think it would be frightening to a small child, but not so!  She LOVES the "dragon movie" and we watch it all. the. time.  I actually went out and bought the T.V. series after Joel was born and it has been a fantastic trick to have up my sleeve on tough days with our new baby.  Ivy loves to chase Lilia around the house with her dragon, roaring all the way.  Sometimes she chases without the dragon.  Sometimes we just think she likes to hear herself roar. 

eating a container of "humpins." 

  I am sure I am forgetting a millions things I wanted to write about Ivy, but I am tired.  Those things will have to wait.  We love her so much, though.  Ivy is a handful, but I wouldn't trade her laughter or feisty little spirit for anything.  She has made our lives so much more interesting. 

Thoughts on Gratitude

 Baby Joel!  We are thankful for you!  Even when you are inconsolably screaming!


  In our faith we believe that we lived as spirits with our Heavenly Father before we came to Earth.  We believe that God wanted his children to grow and to progress so he created a plan for his spirit children, (us,) to come to Earth.  We would receive physical bodies and be tested and tried and be given the opportunity to prove ourselves to Him and return to live in His presence as glorified resurrected beings for eternity.  We knew before we came here that life would be tough.  I don't know if we knew just how tough it could get, but I believe we knew it wouldn't be sunshine and lollipops all the time.  Tests aren't supposed to be easy.  Education requires some study and sweat.  We knew that there needed to be "opposition in all things" in order for us to truly show our trust and faith in this plan.  We also knew that we wouldn't be alone or without aid.  Heavenly Father sent his Son to be a savior for us and to make up the difference when we try our best and come up short, (which we  ALWAYS do.)  I've been thinking a lot about this opposition lately.  It's so easy to be happy and joyful when life is sliding along without any bumps or obstacles in our path.   It's also easy to become complacent, selfish, and unappreciative of the every day miracles we ALL experience.  It's easy to forget that we NEED opposition in order to grow and to progress. 

  Joel is my third colicky baby.  I dreaded the possibility of another difficult baby all during me extremely difficult pregnancy.  Surely I wouldn't have to endure 6 more months of misery this time around?  Right?  Oh so wrong.  Why would MY Heavenly Father allow this when HE knows how fragile I am after giving birth?  I'm a wreck without sleep and I am prone to deep bouts of severe depression.  I physically and emotionally couldn't handle another tough baby.  Except... I could.  Truthfully I just didn't want to.  I still don't WANT to.  Like kicking and screaming and sobbing don't want to.  I don't think that it makes me a stronger person or a better mom to endure the agony that is a colicky infant on very little sleep.  What I HAVE learned very very recently, though, is that this "obstacle" has made me a more GRATEFUL person.  How strange, right?

  I had a few really really hard days earlier this week.  I won't paint you a picture - just trust me it was ugly.  I was bitter and resentful, despairing and EXHAUSTED.  I went to bed dreading the next day.  The next morning I came downstairs with Joel and the girls and found that Cliff secretly left me with a beautiful vase full of bright colored roses and lilies and TWO packages of TJ's stuffed grape leaves!  I felt so so loved and appreciated by him.  I felt so GRATEFUL to have such a wonderful husband.  This is my blog/ journal so I am going to brag for a minute.  Cliff works every day of the week at his ROTC instructor job and is going to grad school for yet another engineering degree on top of his full time job.  This would be enough to be grateful for, but he ALSO helps me by holding Joel every night when he cries so I can have a precious hour or two of "me" time.  He also does the laundry, helps with dishes, takes the girls to the park when he gets home.  The list goes on.  He is constantly encouraging me.  He calls me every day just to check in and make sure we are doing alright.  I am so gratful for him.  Could I survive without him?  Truthfully?  Maybe.  I might be able to, but I sure don't WANT to.  He is a remarkable gift to me.  I feel like God knew that I would need a lot of help in my journey and he directed me specifically toward Cliff.  I am grateful I accepted that direction and followed those promptings.

  Today Cliff called and suggested we meet for lunch to break up my day, (again - thoughtful!!.)  I agreed that would be a great idea.  Would it be hard trying to handle all three kids in a restaurant?  Almost definitely, but we decided to go for it - come what may.  We tried to time it around Joel's next feeding and even braved a nicer restaurant rather than something more kid friendly.  The kids were AWESOME!  Joel cried initially and Cliff took him out for a minute and then I fed him and he went to sleep!  Miraculous!!  Truly.  We ALL enjoyed our Indian lunch at Milan and THEN Joel didn't cry on the way home!  AMAZING!  I had the distinct impression that this day was a gift to me and I felt so very grateful.  It may not have seemed miraculous to anyone else.  It may not even have been a miraculous day to me a year ago, but it was and IS now.  I have a different perspective on what a "good" day is having experienced some pretty rotten days.  I have a deeper appreciation of days that go well.   Now when the girls behave and treat each other kindly?  Grateful!!  Today when everyone woke up from naps in pleasant moods?  Grateful!  Tonight when Lilia went STRAIGHT to sleep without fighting me or getting up a million times to pee?  GRATEFUL!

  I don't know that I am quite to the point of gratitude for Joel's reflux and colic yet, but I do recognize at least this week that we have REALLY bad days for at least one reason.  They have made me so grateful for the days or sometimes even just moments that are good. 

The FIVE of us!

 Flowers Cliff surprised me with

It really doesn't matter how many times I tell them that this stroller is for dolls and not people.

 Ivy took this picture of Lilia.  Not bad!

 Lilia took this picture of me this morning!  This is what I look like most days.  Just keepin' it real

Lilia took this shot of Ivy too. 

Timing is Everything ( A Labor Story)

   It's been a few days now and the details are already becoming blurry.  I figured I had better get this typed up before I forget everything! 

   Like any good story, this one starts with zombies.  Thursday night I rented "Warm Bodies" for me and Cliff.  We had wanted to see it in the theater and never got a chance.  I thought I would surprise him with a rental and since he had Friday off from work and thought we could put the girls to bed and have a little date!  We started the movie after getting Lilia to bed.  During the movie I was having contractions just as I had been for the past couple of weeks.  I had had my 39 week appt. earlier that day and I didn't bother getting checked to see what progress my body was making.  I figured it was pointless.   With Ivy I was dilated to a 4 or a 5 for about a week before she was born.  Cervical examinations are dumb.  Plus they can introduce bacteria and with my GBS history I wanted to avoid them.  They just mess with your head anyway.  I figured I still had a ways to go before I actually went into active labor.  I hadn't had any painful contractions, no "show," hadn't lost the MP, or anything else.  The contractions I had this night weren't out of the ordinary for prodromal labor.  We watched the movie and I would casually comment every now and then that I was having a contraction, but they were never more than 6 or 7 min. apart at their closest and usually more like 10 or 15.  After the movie, (which we both LOVED,) we went to bed as usual. 

  Around 2:15 I woke up with really uncomfortable contractions.  I got up to use the bathroom and wasn't feeling so hot.  I paced around the bathroom with all the lights on for a little while and finally decided to wake Cliff up.  I told him I was having contractions that were finally hurting a little and that maybe we should call our neighbor that was planning on watching the girls should I go into labor.  We decided to time the contractions for a bit first, but after a few more I decided we should just go.  It didn't matter if they were 4 minutes apart or 8.  They were very uncomfortable and that was enough of a sign for us.  Something was happening.  We packed our bags the rest of the way and gave our neighbor Nancy a call around 3AM.  Nancy was fabulous.  She answered on the second ring and was over at our house in two minutes, (she lives right behind us.)  I chatted with her for a bit while Cliff got the rest of our things together.  I would pause during a contraction and sway from side to side.  Nancy could tell I was uncomfortable and we were BOTH wondering was taking Cliff so long!  Finally around 3:20AM we were out the door and on our way.  The drive was awful.  I was holding onto the handle in the door and trying to push my feet against the floor on the way to the hospital.  I did NOT want to be sitting, but what can you do??  Fortunately Cliff drove quickly and there was absolutely no traffic and no deer.  We made it to the hospital and I thought that maybe I should walk around a bit first to make sure the contractions kept coming and didn't peter out.  That had happened to me when I arrived at the hospital with Lilia and they wanted to send me home.  I didn't want to feel like and idiot this time.  That lasted for about... 30 seconds.  I couldn't talk at all anymore during the contractions so we just made our way inside and didn't dilly dally.  I stopped to use the bathroom once and then we checked in to L&D.  We had called ahead and explained ourselves and that this was our third so they didn't put me through triage, but rather took us straight back to room #8.  Our nurse, Elaine, started getting us checked in on the computer and took vitals.  I changed into the nightie I brought and Elaine checked to see how dilated I was.  This would be the first and last check of my pregnancy.  I was 5 cm, 50 % effaced, and baby was at 0 station.  "Huh.  Only 50% effaced?"  Elaine said not to worry.  This was my third and she suspected it wouldn't take too long at all.  How right she was.
  She got me hooked up to the external monitor while I answered some questions.   I was having trouble sitting still, though, so we asked if I could be monitored standing and Elaine said that was fine as long as they could get a good reading.  Unfortunately the monitor kept slipping with my constant swaying and bending so Elaine looped another band around the monitor on both sides to keep it in place.  Cliff set up our computer after this with my "relaxing spa music."   The next step was to get an I.V. in so that I could receive antibiotics for group B strep.  I was DREADING this part.  I hate needles and didn't think I would be able to sit still.  Elaine was really great, though, and got most of it in in between contractions.  I did have to try to sit still through one and it was absolutely agonizing, but once it was in I could move again.  The course of antibiotics would take about 30 minutes and then they could detach the tubing and I could just have the heplock.  I would be able to get into the jacuzzi!  I just needed to hold on for 30 minutes.  I could do that!  I was too uncomfortable standing and rocking so Cliff suggested I switch to a yoga ball and that is what I did.
  At some point my doctor came in to see how things were going and ask if I would like any pain medication.   I had decided after the negative experience I had with Ivy's epidural that I would NOT have any medication this time and Cliff and I had prepared ourselves to go "natural."  I declined the doctor's offer and he left us alone.  I continued to sway side to side on the ball for the next 30 minutes in increasing intensity.  I tried to remember all of the things I had learned in the class Cliff and I took.  This was productive pain.  I could do this.  You get a break in between.  You're opening up.  Ugh.  It didn't make the pain less PAINFUL.  I did a lot of low moaning and that helped a little.  As things became more intense, though, I had trouble with my breathing.  I had Cliff bend down in front of me with his back to me and I held on for dear life as I continued to sway and moooooooooooooan.  I would get louder during peaks and I was sure I was scaring people in the hallway.  (I later learned that no one heard me.  Martha Jefferson must have some amazing sound proofing!)  Poor Cliff was such a sport.  I bit him once and I definitely left some nasty nail marks, but he never complained.  He just offered me water and encouragement and never complained.  He watched me closely and tried to gauge how far along I was.  I was starting to get light headed and woozy.  Cliff asked me if I felt faint and I heard Elaine comment that she thought I was hyperventilating.  Cliff commented that he thought I was in transition.  "No I am not."  I tried to focus on my breathing.  It was soooo hard.  I had started shaking in between contractions.  Then, FINALLY, the antibiotic course was through.  On to the tub!!  We stood up and I looked at the pad on the yoga ball.  There was a small circle of pink.  Cliff and I exchanged a "raised eye brow" look.  I think part of me knew things were really happening at this point and part of me was still in denial.  I commented to Cliff that I was going to try and use the bathroom again while Elaine filled the tub.  I also mentioned that I was starting to feel a little pressure.  Not enough to push or anything, but definitely some pressure.  Maybe I just needed to use the bathroom....
  Doctor Levit came back in and Elaine asked him if he thought I should be checked again.  "Nah, you just checked her less than an hour ago and she was at 5.  I think we can wait." He left the room.  Elaine asked me if I was feeling a need to push.  I admitted that I was a little, but I didn't think I was really ready yet because I remembered with Lilia and Ivy the need to push being extreme.  It definitely wasn't an extreme need yet... I didn't think...  
   So I got on the toilet and the contractions kept coming and I was wailing at this point.  I felt my brain go fuzzy and I couldnt really think straight.  I made it through about two or three and then "POP!"

"My water broke!!" I screamed.  It broke right into the toilet.  Cliff was right in front of me.  And then without skipping a beat, I screamed, "I'm PUSHING!!!!!"  Cliff yelled for the nurses and tried to lift me off the toilet.  He lifted me up and thought I was going to lean on him, but my legs came up too.  I couldn't support myself and he couldn't support me either.  Fortunately a couple of nurses rushed in and lifted me up with Doctor Levit trailing behind them.  I kept screaming that I was pushing and then I just screamed because a baby was coming out of me.  I was on the bed and pushing out a baby all in a matter of about 90 seconds.  I pushed once to get the head out and once more for the rest of little Joel.  Had we waited a minute longer he would have been born on the toilet.  It was such a crazy blur.  Joel was born at 5:15AM.  We had been at the hospital about an hour and a half. 

  I later found out that Elaine was only half-heartedly filling the tub.  Apparently she had given Cliff a look earlier and a shrug that said "suuuuure I'll fill the tub for you..."  She didn't really think I was going to get to use it.  

  Joel was immediately laid on my chest and all I could do was just hold him and stare.  I was in such shock!  It felt so good to be done and so surreal.  I couldn't believe everything had happened so quickly.  Cliff made sure the doctor waited until the cord stopped pulsing before they clamped it and then he came over to my side.  He told me he was so proud of me.  I was too tired to feel proud of me at that moment, but looking back now is pretty crazy.  I think I was probably in transition from the yoga ball on!  No wonder I was wailing like a banshee!  5 to 10 in an hour is pretty intense.  I'm grateful for how it all turned out, but wouldn't necessarily want to do it again tomorrow.  Ask me again in a few months when my brain has turned on the rose colored filter :)

   Joel is a wonderful little guy.  He has already climbed into our hearts.  I wasn't sure how I would feel about a little boy, but that was before I had MY little boy.  He is just as precious to me as our girls are and our little family of five is a blessing I am completely in awe of.  I am so grateful Joel is here and only slightly disappointed that I didn't get to use the jacuzzi ;) 

Our Online Grocery Store! (Shameless Plug for Relay Foods)

   A couple of my friends have recently asked me to expound on our online shopping experiences.  I will try my best in this post to describe the modern shopping miracle that RelayFoods.com is to our family.

  So we've decided we want to eat more consciously and hopefully more healthfully.  The long and the short of this goal is that we as a family (or really just me and Cliff as our girls get to do what we tell them to do at this age...) want to cut out the majority of the processed foods we've had in our diet, buy fresh, and buy local.   We knew going into this that our goal would require sacrifice, planning, and a lot of will power.  We were also afraid it would require a lot of driving and consequently gasoline consumption.   What to do?  The more we thought about our venture into "real food" world we wondered if we were being overly ambitious and unrealistic - especially with a new baby on the way.  I don't mind taking two kids to the grocery store most days, but three?  I can't even fathom that possibility... yet.  What to do?

  Relay Foods to the rescue!  Literally.  We had always seen these trucks parked at various locations around town and even in our neighborhood thinking they were really just a really expensive local food distributor.  We never gave them a second thought until we started planning out our new life style.  Upon a very small amount of research we learned that RelayFoods.com was created right here in Charlottesville by a graduate from UVA and his friend.  They wanted to create an online grocery "store" that supported local businesses and agriculture and saved people time, money, and GAS as well!  It sounded too good to be true.  What's the catch?  Do they jack up the prices of the products they sell?  Do they charge a ridiculous fee to use their services?  No and no.  Their prices are comparable to what we would pay at the grocery store near us and there is NO SURCHARGE or FEE.
   We live out in Crozet, (about 15 mi from C-ville,) and the only grocery stores we have are Harris Teeter and Crozet Great Value.  They are both much more expensive than Kroger, Walmart, etc.  We used to do a lot of our shopping at Sam's Club, but Sam's is far away and we calculated that we were spending about $8.00 round trip to grocery shop there.  Relay DELIVERS the food we order to our neighborhood.  We literally drive down the street and pick up our order.  They PROVIDE reusable shopping bags for us and the first three orders we placed were discounted.   They do have a $5 fee if you spend less than $50.  Um... who spends less than $50 when you go grocery shopping?  Not us.  This fee is waved after you have used their services a few times as well.  But again, we've never spent less than $50 so I wouldn't really know about it.
  If you go to their site you will find that they provide a lot of local and organic foods, but that isn't all.  If you have a hankerin' for Cheerios or Campbell's  Soup, you will find all the staples of a regular grocery store as well.  The major difference is that THEY do all the driving around town so YOU don't have to!  Need a special gourmet cheese, Thai curry paste, bulk oatmeal, cashews, and local grass-fed beef?  This is one stop shopping at its finest.   Grocery shopping with three kids?  No problem!!!

Best shopping idea EVER!

The delicious milk we buy

Local cheese from Marshall Farms

The best Yogurt I have ever had.  This is the maple yogurt, but we usually buy the plain.

   Now lest you think our experiences shopping online have been nothing but sunshine and roses, I will say that there have been a few hang-ups, but they are pretty minor.  When you place your order you can select "substitutions ok" or no.   We have found that sometimes they are out of a certain product and if you give them the go-ahead they will substitute your product with something similar.  Sometimes they are out of the local creamline milk we like that comes from Roanoke, VA.  They have substituted this milk with creamline milk from PA.  Big Deal.  You can also check "no substitutions" and they will simply remove the item from your bill if they are out.  Credit cards are not processed until 12am the day of your delivery so if they can't deliver something you don't lose out.  It just stinks if you really need an ingredient for a dinner or dish you are making.   This has only happened a couple of times and it's usually the local produce that is occasionally unavailable, (local potatoes seem to go faster than a... hot potato!.)  The only time I was really bugged by the substitution was when they gave us green bell peppers instead of red.  Bleck!  Not the same!    Overall we have been incredibly pleased with the service.  Their customer service is spot on.  We were overcharged on a can of tuna once and the guy removed the charge AND credited our account right away!  Cliff has gotten to know the delivery folks and everyone is super friendly.   

    So what do you do if you don't live in Charlottesville??  RelayFoods is expanding!  They also serve the Richmond and D.C. areas and I think they may even serve VA Beach and Norfolk now.  They are continuing their expansion and hope to go nationwide one day.  Call them up or e-mail and ask them to deliver to YOUR area!