Joel Update!

   Our little "bud bud" is over five months old!  Another month or so and we should be through the worst of it!  Yay Joel!  Yay US!  There have been a lot of tears around here these past 5 months... tears from Joel, tears from the girls, and tears from me, but we are doing so much better!  Joel is becoming more aware of his surroundings and more mobile and interactive every day and this is WONDERFUL!  I've always loved Joel, but now I am finding him delightful as well as lovable.  He coos and smiles and flashes those big blue eyes at me and I melt, I really do.  He is just so snugly and squishy and yummy!  Just look at those cheeks and fingers!  Delicious!  All of my children have been this way, but for some reason I thought a little boy would be different.  Silly me.  He's won me over just as everyone said he would. 

   Joel tried out our exersaucer this week and SCORE!  He loved it.  This is so great because it means I don't have to have him in the carrier 24/7 anymore like I have been.  This means I can use the bathroom and he doesn't have to tag along!  It's glorious.  Yesterday I actually SAT at the table with the girls to eat lunch!  I didn't have to rock and sway him while I tried to eat my food without dropping half of it on his head.  This is really huge, people!  The girls love it too.  Lilia really enjoys pointing out all of the different parts of the toy and talking to him at his level.  Ivy like to try and climb on it with him...

   It's just super great.  I see the future getting brighter every day!  Thank you, Joel!  Thank you for letting me put you down!!

   Look at those peepers.  We always knew our kids would have blue eyes, but just look at them!  Gorgeous! 

This was taken right after Cliff walked through the door.

   We still love holding him, too.  Joel gets especially excited when Daddy comes home to hold him.  He starts flailing his arms really quickly and hooting like a little monkey when he sees and hears Cliff.  His eyes get even bigger, (if that is possible,) and he just hoots and flails like crazy. 

   Two of the best boys in the world!

   Seriously, though!  What is better than a squishy, snugly, baby boy in a hoodie?  What?  What?? 

  Anyway.  Now that the weather is getting much colder I am truly grateful that Joel is coming through the colic.   I need smiles and laughter and flexibility as we slug through the dreary winter months.  Thank you, Joel for being so compassionate and understanding of your mama! 

As far as an update goes... Joel was over 16lbs at his 4 month appt.  He was 25 in?  maybe?  I can't remember.  Poor third child.  He is healthy and chunky.  Not as chunky as Lilia was, but more so than Ivy at this age.  I still only nurse him on one side during his feedings.  He seems more than content with that.  He is still in size 2 diapers and is wearing 6 month clothing.  He can still fit into some 3-6 month onesies.  He is starting to scoot himself backwards on the floor and has been rolling over both ways for about a month.  The minute he started rolling over from back to tummy we started putting him on his tummy for naps.  He is still in the bed with us during the night, but those days are drawing to a close.  We hope to move him to his own space after Christmas.  Not that we don't love cuddling with our little guy, but whew.  Sleep uninhibited sounds soooooooo good.  Soon enough.  

Joel has a delightful laugh and is very interested in those around him.  He watches Lilia and Ivy intently as they run circles around him.  He was watching them on his tummy in my bedroom one day and they ran out into the hallway.  He started to cry and tried to push himself in their direction.  He didn't want to be left behind!  As soon as they came back in he calmed down!  It was so sad and so sweet at the same time!  I hope they include him as they get older.  I love to see the three of them together.  I read Lilia and Ivy a book yesterday with Joel sitting on my lap and it was great.  It really way.  I hope I can do that for years and years.  We're so happy to have Joel.  As cheesy at it sounds, I really do feel complete with him here :)

Glimpses of the Future and What I Do Well

   Recently we have been having more and more "good days."  A good day to me entails no tears or meltdowns from me.  That is mostly the criteria.   Kids cry and meltdown at the drop of a hat, but if I can maintain composure and even smile a little too, than you had better believe it IS A GOOD DAY!  I haven't kept a record or tally or anything... more like I have noticed a gradual trend in a more pleasant direction.  I am starting to feel hopeful and excited about the future again!  Are we getting the hang of three???  Maybe!  The girls are adjusting to our new family dynamic and Joel is slooooowly, but surely coming out of his colic.  He has extended periods of wakefulness now without screaming!  So awesome!  It's AMAZING how colic vs less colic can change your whole perspective on life! 
 

  I would also attribute some of my hopefulness to a new attitude I am trying to cultivate.  I am trying to focus on the things that I am doing well and what is going RIGHT in our lives.  I'm so physically spent at the end of each day that I really can't afford the self-inflicted mental beat downs anymore.  I truly can not afford to allot much energy to negative thinking.  It may be easy to compare myself to other mothers, wives, or women, but it just doesn't help anything.  Instead I am am going to start listing and focusing on the things I do well and the things I am grateful for.  I will NOT focus on the things that aren't going well or that I don't do.  Here we go!

THINGS I DO WELL AS A MOTHER:

-I read to Lilia and Ivy every single night.  We never miss.  I make a concerted effort to spend time with each of them individually every night and we choose a couple of stories and I read and then sing to them before turning off the light.  I don't resent this routine, but cherish it.  It's a welcome final note to end the day's song.  It's peaceful and sweet.  We giggle and snuggle and I will miss this time when the kids are older.  I am proud of myself for taking the time to do this every night even when I am exhausted.

-I pray with my girls and I look for opportunities to teach them about prayer and about the gospel.  We read scripture stories together and I teach them, (more Lilia at this point,) about who we are, why we are here, and where we are going.  Lilia is developing her own little testimony and has even shared it during Sacrament meeting.  I am so proud of her and I am proud of myself for keeping up with it even when at times it seems like I am getting no where.  Lilia specifically has a testimony of prayer and that make me feel really really good.

- This is may sound silly, but I feel like one of my greatest accomplishments besides teaching my children about the gospel is teaching them to appreciate and try different foods.  Cooking a healthy meal (or multiple meals,) a day is HARD WORK, but I do it.  I want my children to be knowledgeable about food and their bodies and I want them to have a good relationship with food.  I want them to have a good attitude about trying new things when it comes to food and other aspects of life as well.  I try to introduce them to a variety of different foods.  I am NOT a short order cook and the whole family eats the same meal.

- It is extremely hard to get out of the house with three kids right now, but I make myself do it anyway.  I do it for them and I do it for me.  We go to play dates or our own playground in the neighborhood.  We go to the library.  We went to the apple orchard the other day.  I don't want my kids to lounge around in front of the T.V. ALL the time, though we do watch a fair amount of T.V.  I am proud of myself for getting them outside as much as I can.  Even if it's not as much as I would like.

-  I make art with my kids.  Again, not as often as I would like, but I DO do it.  We paint, we draw, we make play dough.  It's a mess and sometimes the prep takes three times as long as the activity, but we do it.  It's worth it to me when I see how much they enjoy it.  I could just throw in the towel and turn the T.V. back on, and some days I do, but some days I don't - I make the effort.

-  I carry Joel most of the day.  Sure, it might be easier to just set him down and let him cry all day, and heaven knows my back would probably feel better if I did that, but I don't.  I shlep him around in the Ergo almost all day long.  If that's not love, I don't know what is.

 - I try really hard not to lose my temper and yell.  This is probably the hardest thing for me right now and I'm not perfect, but I am O.K.  I don't lose my temper often and I have never spanked any of my children.  Oh I have wanted to, but I haven't and I hope I never do. 

-  This one may sound dumb too, but I make an effort to talk to my kids while we are driving around.  It is so easy to tune out kids while you are in the car and turn on the radio or the news, but I don't anymore.  I noticed a year and a half ago that Lilia really wanted to talk as soon as we go in the car.  Always.  She always wanted to talk.  I have really tried to listen while I am driving or if we don't talk we listen to music TOGETHER and we sing together.  Sometimes I am on the phone when we are driving, but lately I have been trying to ditch the phone as well.  How long is she going to WANT to talk to me in the car??

Ok - so that is the list for today.  I hope to add to it.  I don't do everything right.  There are so many things I wish I did better or wish I did at all, but I KNOW I am doing some things right.  I am not a perfect mom, but I am a GOOD mom.  That is where I am at right at this moment. 

Life is Hard and Life is Beautiful

  I am the kind of person that needs goals in my life or things to look forward to.  When I was in college I looked forward to breaks and tests being over with.  I looked forward to graduation.  When Cliff and I first got married I looked forward to vacations and to each move and marked time by our travels.  When we lived in Japan I looked forward to the end of each deployment and to the fantastic trips we took.  Looking forward to those trips were what got me through some really tough months alone with a baby.
  I no longer mark time by deployment schedules because Cliff is home every night on this tour.  That doesn't me I don't still need goals or things to look forward to, though.  I still look forward to trips we will take, visits from family members, and days that Cliff has off from work.  Every Monday I look forward to Friday.  I feel like I am always looking forward and forgetting to look around at "now."
   In our church we talk a lot about "finding joy in the journey."  This is so hard for me right now.  I feel like a lot of days are never-ending and monotonous in their difficulty.  At the beginning of each new day I mostly think... man I wish I could go back to bed.  But I don't.  I get up and I get things started.  My day starts with a shower if I am lucky.  If Cliff isn't going in too early he takes Joel and I shower quickly before he has to leave.  After he leaves I strap Joel onto me in the carrier and get the girls dressed and downstairs for breakfast.  There is always a bit of impatience as I struggle to get everyone fed quickly and then it's a complete free-for-all as I shlep all the kids out the door and across the street to Lilia's preschool.  Tearing Ivy away and getting her back across the street is always a battle.  Like face slapping, biting, hitting, laying in the middle of the side walk, BATTLE.  I resorted to candy corn bribery last Friday and definitely got some incredulous "looks" from one of the other moms.  Whatev.  We're in survival mode right now.   We get back in the house and I start an activity with Ivy like... coloring... or play dough... I am wearing Joel the whole time and trying to bend down and pick up the crayons she has dropped or the play dough molds or her pony dolls that she carries with her everywhere.  I last about 10 minutes and then Ivy is screaming about something (I won't let her color on the wall or the table, etc) and I give up and turn on a movie.  Just this past week we have watched "Despicable Me" with the "onions" about 18 times - no joke. 
  Joel screams if I put him down for more than 15 minutes at a time so I wear him most of the day.  Cliff wears him as soon as he walks through the door.  We figured that between the two of us wearing him and him sleeping in our arms at night, Joel is held at least 20-22 hours out of every day.   I find this somewhat ironic because I really don't consider myself an "attachment" parent, but what is more ATTACHED than being literally attached to your child all day and all night.  I need to see a chiropractor like I need oxygen, but it will have to wait a few months.  Looking forward to getting over colic.  I guess we have a more holistic view on parenting in our house.  What's best for EVERYONE is what we aim for.  If the baby is suffering the parents and siblings are suffering and that goes both ways.  If mommy and daddy are suffering, you better believe that kids are suffering too, so we try to strike a compromise...  It's our own form of balance.  We do what works until it doesn't and then we move on and try something new.  Sometimes kids are left crying and screaming while mommy walks away for 15 minutes or takes a shower.  Sometimes mommy is in tears because she can't move her neck from sleeping so awkwardly holding a baby all night.  It's give and take.  But mostly give.  Who am I kidding.
  I figure crying screaming children are much better off than dead children or even dead parents.  We are all alive and that is a success.  If whatever you are doing is causing you to resent your child, you need to do something else.  Seriously.  
  I look forward to nap time/ quiet time when the girls go to their rooms and sleep/ stay quiet for two hours every day.  This is a major milestone of the day.  If I get to nap time I am more than halfway through the day!  Cliff gets home just a couple of hours after nap time!  I get the kids up from naps around 3:00 or 3:30.  I usually try to take a nap myself, but Joel doesn't usually cooperate.  Like I said, he has to be held ALL.THE. TIME.   We'll get there.  I know he will be better by 5 or 6 months.  That is what I am looking forward to right now.
  I sometimes miss just having the girls.  Before I was pregnant we went and DID so many things together.  I felt so confident in my mothering abilities when it came to two kids.  We laughed!  We learned!  We played!  We had routines and they worked!  I have hope that three will someday be this way too, but right now it is not.  Someone is always being neglected.  We don't leave the house as often as I would like.  There are a lot more tears than there used to be from everyone.  I had a lot of mommy guilt over this from my pregnancy and now tough baby, but now it just is what it is.  Standards have been lowered.  And lowered again.  

When Cliff gets home I hand him the kids and I get busy with dinner.  I LOVE making dinner or ANY MEAL that does not involve wearing a baby.  After dinner I take the girls upstairs and I bathe them and dress them in their pajamas and then I put them to bed with a story and a song.  After they are in bed and I have nursed Joel one last time for the day, Cliff takes him while I head downstairs to clean up and do all of the dishes.  I relish this part of the day because it is just ME.  I never thought I would look forward to doing dishes, but that is where I am right now.  It's actually really interesting how our (Cliff and my,) roles have reversed since Joel was born.  When I was pregnant and miserably sick I used to go to bed right after dinner.  Cliff bathed both girls, put them to bed, and cleaned up downstairs.  He usually made the dinner too.  Now it is the complete opposite.  Cliff goes to bed right after dinner and holds Joel for most of the night.  He is confined to the bed with a baby - just outside of him rather than in his belly.

  So finding joy is the journey... whew.  It's not something that just happens.  These past few weeks I have actually found many moments of joy, BUT! I have to be actively seeking them and I think the key word here is active.  When Lilia plays with Joel and sings to him and he SMILES!  That is joyful.  When I make it across the street from preschool with all three kids in tow and Ivy isn't melting down - that is joyful.  When the girls are dancing around the front room or flailing their arms pretending to fly and laughing like hyenas?  That is joy.  Joy in our house is the small victories right now.  Joel sitting in his bouncy chair while I eat lunch unencumbered for 15 minutes is a small victory.  Watching the girls play "mermaid" in the bath tub and splash and play is hilarious and fun.  Reading to Lilia at night about little witches and fairies and Peter Pan and watching her eyes grow large at the description of Neverland and Captain Hook?  These moments are wonderful and make most of the agony worth it.  Ivy turning to me and saying "Mommy?  Song?  Temple song please?"  Hearing her say every morning now "Hi mommy! Hi mommy!  HI MOMMY!!!"  These moments are beautiful and precious.  Sometimes I think parenting is an inordinate amount of really hard work for fleeting moments of awe and wonder. 

 I don't have an overarching theme to this post.  It's nearly stream of conscience, but I do want to write and remember that most days DO have wonderful moments that make it worth it.  The days are getting BETTER overall and not worse.  I DO have hope and perspective after two colicky children.  I still very much look forward to vacations and holidays and visits from my mom, but I DO have good moments every day too. 

 All three looking at the camera! 

 Look!  They are so cute!  Some of the time :)

I have gotten to spend more time getting to know Ivy recently.  Joel makes it difficult for us to have real quality time together, but we sure do try.  She is probably having the hardest time with all of these family adjustments.  

Sometimes the girls play really well together and when this happens my heart SINGS and I run for the camera.  Usually I am too late for photographic evidence, but I always try :) 

Thoughts on Gratitude

 Baby Joel!  We are thankful for you!  Even when you are inconsolably screaming!


  In our faith we believe that we lived as spirits with our Heavenly Father before we came to Earth.  We believe that God wanted his children to grow and to progress so he created a plan for his spirit children, (us,) to come to Earth.  We would receive physical bodies and be tested and tried and be given the opportunity to prove ourselves to Him and return to live in His presence as glorified resurrected beings for eternity.  We knew before we came here that life would be tough.  I don't know if we knew just how tough it could get, but I believe we knew it wouldn't be sunshine and lollipops all the time.  Tests aren't supposed to be easy.  Education requires some study and sweat.  We knew that there needed to be "opposition in all things" in order for us to truly show our trust and faith in this plan.  We also knew that we wouldn't be alone or without aid.  Heavenly Father sent his Son to be a savior for us and to make up the difference when we try our best and come up short, (which we  ALWAYS do.)  I've been thinking a lot about this opposition lately.  It's so easy to be happy and joyful when life is sliding along without any bumps or obstacles in our path.   It's also easy to become complacent, selfish, and unappreciative of the every day miracles we ALL experience.  It's easy to forget that we NEED opposition in order to grow and to progress. 

  Joel is my third colicky baby.  I dreaded the possibility of another difficult baby all during me extremely difficult pregnancy.  Surely I wouldn't have to endure 6 more months of misery this time around?  Right?  Oh so wrong.  Why would MY Heavenly Father allow this when HE knows how fragile I am after giving birth?  I'm a wreck without sleep and I am prone to deep bouts of severe depression.  I physically and emotionally couldn't handle another tough baby.  Except... I could.  Truthfully I just didn't want to.  I still don't WANT to.  Like kicking and screaming and sobbing don't want to.  I don't think that it makes me a stronger person or a better mom to endure the agony that is a colicky infant on very little sleep.  What I HAVE learned very very recently, though, is that this "obstacle" has made me a more GRATEFUL person.  How strange, right?

  I had a few really really hard days earlier this week.  I won't paint you a picture - just trust me it was ugly.  I was bitter and resentful, despairing and EXHAUSTED.  I went to bed dreading the next day.  The next morning I came downstairs with Joel and the girls and found that Cliff secretly left me with a beautiful vase full of bright colored roses and lilies and TWO packages of TJ's stuffed grape leaves!  I felt so so loved and appreciated by him.  I felt so GRATEFUL to have such a wonderful husband.  This is my blog/ journal so I am going to brag for a minute.  Cliff works every day of the week at his ROTC instructor job and is going to grad school for yet another engineering degree on top of his full time job.  This would be enough to be grateful for, but he ALSO helps me by holding Joel every night when he cries so I can have a precious hour or two of "me" time.  He also does the laundry, helps with dishes, takes the girls to the park when he gets home.  The list goes on.  He is constantly encouraging me.  He calls me every day just to check in and make sure we are doing alright.  I am so gratful for him.  Could I survive without him?  Truthfully?  Maybe.  I might be able to, but I sure don't WANT to.  He is a remarkable gift to me.  I feel like God knew that I would need a lot of help in my journey and he directed me specifically toward Cliff.  I am grateful I accepted that direction and followed those promptings.

  Today Cliff called and suggested we meet for lunch to break up my day, (again - thoughtful!!.)  I agreed that would be a great idea.  Would it be hard trying to handle all three kids in a restaurant?  Almost definitely, but we decided to go for it - come what may.  We tried to time it around Joel's next feeding and even braved a nicer restaurant rather than something more kid friendly.  The kids were AWESOME!  Joel cried initially and Cliff took him out for a minute and then I fed him and he went to sleep!  Miraculous!!  Truly.  We ALL enjoyed our Indian lunch at Milan and THEN Joel didn't cry on the way home!  AMAZING!  I had the distinct impression that this day was a gift to me and I felt so very grateful.  It may not have seemed miraculous to anyone else.  It may not even have been a miraculous day to me a year ago, but it was and IS now.  I have a different perspective on what a "good" day is having experienced some pretty rotten days.  I have a deeper appreciation of days that go well.   Now when the girls behave and treat each other kindly?  Grateful!!  Today when everyone woke up from naps in pleasant moods?  Grateful!  Tonight when Lilia went STRAIGHT to sleep without fighting me or getting up a million times to pee?  GRATEFUL!

  I don't know that I am quite to the point of gratitude for Joel's reflux and colic yet, but I do recognize at least this week that we have REALLY bad days for at least one reason.  They have made me so grateful for the days or sometimes even just moments that are good. 

The FIVE of us!

 Flowers Cliff surprised me with

It really doesn't matter how many times I tell them that this stroller is for dolls and not people.

 Ivy took this picture of Lilia.  Not bad!

 Lilia took this picture of me this morning!  This is what I look like most days.  Just keepin' it real

Lilia took this shot of Ivy too. 

Quick rant

First off, let me make it very clear that I LOVE my kids. I love them both and would do anything for them. I worry about them endlessly and their smiles make my days worth living. Having said I am now going to rant away...

I really can't stand it when people tell me how much they LOVE the newborn stage and wish their babies would just stay small and sweet and cuddly forever. What drives me even crazier, though, is when people tell ME that I should cherish this "wonderful" time and enjoy every single second I have with my precious little angel. "They grow up so fast! Don't waste a single precious moment!" UGH! I hate newborns. There. I said it. To me they scream all the time that they are awake and project poop and vomit everywhere. What exactly is there to love about this time period? Maybe some newborns sleep all day long and other parents are getting 8 hrs of sleep after the first month, but our babies and our household just doesn't seem to work out that way. Don't get me wrong, I was just as thrilled as any other mother when Ivy started smiling a few days ago and ran to get the camera, (too late, of course,) but I see the smiles and occasional sleeping periods as lucky and wondrous abnormalities in the normal routine. The newborn period for me is something to be endured - something to survive. And survive we will. We have done it before and will do it again. I know it will get better. It's a completely different story once they get to 5 or 6 months old. Give me a babbling, cooing, interactive 6 month old any day!! And I absolutely ADORE toddlers. I can't WAIT until Ivy gets to be a year old. Maybe I am a horrible person, but mostly I just think I am realistic. Lilia was such a tough baby that Cliff and I weren't sure we would ever have any more. It took her becoming a toddler that I finally changed my mind and thought I could do it again. I don't want anyone's sympathy. We knew what we were getting into and we know that it's WORTH it when they get a little older. It really is. But, please don't lecture me about this "precious" and thankfully temporary time period. I don't want to hear it. The end.